Let's give a little bit of proofreading a try. Before going on, this is my first time proofreading on these boards, so some of this may be off. If it doesn't feel right, I'm probably wrong. Using the regular color scheme: Red text=additions, orange text=deletions, blue=comments
While Aliens intentions still concern people worldwide, these large vessels were designed for frightening purposes, to acquire human victims and instill an unforgettable fear in those unlucky enough to encounter them.
The Intimidator is designed to fulfill several tasks, to identify large, relatively indefensible populations, strike the most vulnerable targets
, and to collect both living and dead human specimens for yet unknown purposes.To me, the first sentence feels very awkward. What are you trying to do? The first half of the sentence doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second half of the sentence. Suggestion: "While Alien intentions and plans involve humanity in a variety of ways, this ship seems focused on one solitary aspect of those ways: the spread of terror among Earth's populace. These large vessels..."
The sheer size of Intimidator in itself can generate a feeling of dread in to
anybody's heart; indeed, it is so large to be almost entirely self-contained for its purposes. Our research has confirmed the incredible range of this ship's massive weapons, and Interceptor pilots are strongly advised to engage this nightmarish ship at the furthest ranges possible. Also, its engine systems are powerful enough to accelerate the ship to speeds far beyond that of even our Interceptors at their
. The last sentence feels disconnected. Or maybe replace "Also" with "Our pilots may have difficulty doing so, as its engine systems..." As long as you connect it with the rest of the paragraph, it should be good.
The ship houses a very large crew complement, powerful weapons, heavy armor, numerous engines, and a huge number of specialized rooms. Heavily defended and safely tucked inside the Intimidator's heart is the command center from which orders are coordinated and dispatched to the terrorist units. While some rooms accommodate the crew, others contain cryogenic pods where creatures designed specifically for terror attacks and frightening heavy weapon platforms programmed to defend the ship with a ruthless precision are kept in stasis, ready to be awakened at a moment's notice. Other specialized rooms are probably
used to keep conscious, immobilized victims transfixed in a state of sustained horror during their dread trip to an Alien base, where it
is uncertain what abominations might await for
them.There are two things that jumped out at me. "Is" doesn't seem to flow well in the second sentence. Suggestion: change "is" to "exists". Secondly, the sentence talking about the heavy weapon platforms and cryogenic's pods really needs to be two sentences, or rearranged to make it less confusing. Are the weapons ready to be awakened at a moment's notice, or are the creatures?
The large engine rooms are reserved for highly redundant engine systems, which are able to function even after sustaining heavy damage, making the ship almost unstoppable.
The weapons room is equally impressive, containing various weapons systems powered directly from a large Xenium reactor, making them capable of annihilating a standard interceptor in a single coordinated blast.
The observation room contains several unknown types of sensors. Hopefully, we will one day comprehend such technologies and be able to use them to successfully fight against the Aliens.What does the last sentence have to do with the capabilities and purpose of the Intimidator UFO? Maybe put in some sort of speculation on what the sensors do?
After researching the ghastly purposes behind the Intimidator's design, our sense of moral outrage demands that these vessels be prevented from fulfilling their inhumane missions.In general, this is looking good. Try to replace passive verbs where you can. Keep at it.
Edited by AlienInBlack, 05 March 2005 - 10:55 AM.