HOLY SMOKES, AZ! This is the Porsche of X-Net entries!Red text
for additions, orange text
for deletions. Since I know you're cool with it, Az, I will also edit parts of the text and suggest alternative word choices. Don’t mind the my terseness; I’m not that fast at typing.
FYI, when I write, I usually try to limit my use of vague terms (it, something, somewhere) and forms of the verb to be
(is, was, were, are, have, have been, has, has been, had, had been, will, will be, etc.), making for a clearer and more dynamic writing style. Other words I try to watch for are this
. Many of my suggestions in various posts stem from seeing these words. I’m not trying to direct this to you, Az, but I felt a need to articulate this thought as a rough guideline for writers in the Creative Text Department.
EDIT- original text in green
because 20-odd quote tags don't seem seem register with the board.THE ALIEN GOAL
Our Research Division feels like it has enough pieces of the puzzle to figure out Alien activities on our planet, what is the large picture and how they intend to pull it off.
The wording is a bit cumbersome. Suggest: "Our Research Division has finally pieced together enough information to decipher the Aliens' grand scheme behind their presence on Earth, as well as how they intend to accomplish their alien goals.” Note: “alien” in “alien goals” is NOT capitalized. It’s just a small pun. Evidence points to the fact that the Star-Spawn, as we have come to call termed the whole group of different Alien species that have has launched this invasion against us, has have arrived to the Sol System from a location we estimate, if our calculations and difficult distance translations are correct, is near the Beta Persei star, 115 light-years from Earth, approximately two millennia ago. The massive ship occupied by the Overmind occupied crashed in Mars for reasons yet unknown; crippled, the ship went into some kind of “sleep mode”, in which the Overmind remained in stasis while the main computer sent an automatic distress signal. Early radio waves from Earth at the end of the XIX C 19th century were picked up by the main computer, awakening from its “sleep mode”. Still unable to achieve the FTL travel needed to resume its previous course, the Overmind’s attention turned to the Terrans, a species it had not previously detected due to their previous lack of Terran advanced technology.
Fixed verb agreement in the first sentence: "group" (singular) needs "has," while "Star-Spawn" (plural) requires "have."
Is "Star Spawn" really necessary? The other entries simply call them "Aliens." Maybe "Star Spawn" is what the Aliens call themselves
: “Evidence points to the fact that the Star-Spawn (the name by which the Aliens refer to themselves)...”?
The first sentence seems to have too many parts, muddling the meaning. I suggest pruning it and reorganizing it with the subsequent sentences. I also think “uncertainty phrases” are used too frequently (if our calculations..., estimate, near, approximately). “Evidence suggests that the Star Spawn (the name by which the Aliens refer to themselves) originally came from near Beta Persei, 115 light-years from Earth. Over two millennia ago, a massive ship occupied by an Alien entity known as the Overmind suffered an unexpected malfunction and crash-landed on Mars.”
Suggest: “stasis mode” instead of “sleep mode.”
Suggest: “superluminal” or “faster-than-light” instead of the acronym “FTL.” Acronyms require the player to have previous knowledge on the subject, something we can’t assume.
Be careful to keep the Overmind and the main computer separate in the last sentences. The Overmind didn’t detect the Terrans (it was sleeping), the main computer did. OR, you could make an interesting twist: the Overmind is actually a bio-mechanical hybrid- the Alien Overmind IS the main computer, or to be even more bold, the Overmind is the actual ship...? Hm, that could tie in with the organic component of Alien Composites, and might explain its ability to replicate? Ok, I’m going on a bit of a tangent... back on topic.
Moved “previously” in the last sentence to subtly change the meaning. In the original sentence, the Overmind (main computer?) hadn’t detected the Terrans because the Terrans lacked technology: technology that humans may or may not currently possess. In the revised sentence, the Overmind/main computer hadn’t detected the Terrans because the Terrans lacked technology: technology that humans currently DO possess.
A radio distress signal was sent, right? How come humans didn’t detect it with their radiotelescopes? Perhaps use something less likely to be detected? Maybe: “...broadcasted [tachyonic] distress signals, and the Overmind/main computer awaited a response from its rescuers... rescuers that never came. Unfortunately, towards the end of the 19th century, the invention of the radio by Guglielmo Marconi marked the first time radio signals from Earth deviated significantly from background radiation, an event that the sleeping Overmind’s (unsleeping main computer’s?) broad spectrum receivers did not fail to detect. After the triggered re-initialization and re-activation routines, the Overmind was still unable to achieve the superluminal travel ...” Sorry I got a bit carried away. At this point, interrogations turn a little confusing, we are not certain whether the Overmind was indeed travelling with a large number of Aliens, or if in fact it was alone in the ship, but carried the genetic maps of different Alien species and using cloning techniques it began to amass its army. Whatever means the Overmind might have employed, it took it nearly three decades to ready itself in the course of action it was about to undertake.
Interrogations don’t usually become confusing; the knowledge gathered might, though: “At this point, the knowledge gleaned from Alien interrogations becomes somewhat inconsistent, and we are not certain...”
The last sentence is somewhat wordy and ends on a vague note. Suggest: “...it took nearly three decades of preparation before undertaking activities on Earth.”From ship logs and further interrogations, we know the Overmind’s minions had already established themselves a presence here on Earth in the late 1930s, their activities at that moment, however, remain elusive unknown, as no significant data is available. It is most likely that their operations were consisted mainly of observation and harvesting for of biological resources. F The first reported Human abduction was occurred in 1961, so we believe that they were either not performing abductions or were much stealthier than they currently are. But intelligence -gathering seems the most plausible possibility; our world was immersed into conflict, the World War II was germinating, the Aliens were able to gain much information on Human psyche and military tactics used around the world, as nations collided in war one another. The Overmind must have been very impressed with our ability to slaughter our brothers and sisters in senseless wars, no doubt, especially with the shameful destruction of Nagasaki and Hiroshima in 1945, which must surely have shown Human capability for mass murder.
“Activities” can’t be “elusive”; they aren’t actively hiding. Rather, they can be “unknown.”
Suggest splitting up the first sentence: “...in the late 1930s. Their activities during that time remain unknown..."
Substituted out some “watched words” (were, was).
“Biological resources” is vague. It could mean humans, too. Suggest: “lesser biological resources.”
The third sentence is circumspect. Suggest: “The first reported human abduction occurred in 1961. Prior to this, the Aliens either conducted no abductions, or they have just become more brazen in their attempts.”
Structural suggestion: merge sentence two with sentence four, since they are similar in meaning, and move sentence three to paragraph four to preserve chronological continuity (actually, deleting sentence three entirely might be better): “Due to the low profile of Alien activities over the next 20 years, we surmise that information gathering was their primary goal. With the eruption of World War II, the Aliens had a prime opportunity to observe and assess human thought patterns and military strategies. The Overmind must have been very impressed...”
Careful with the opinions in the last sentence- they detract from objectivity and the X-Corps story. Instead of “shameful destruction” (opinionated), I suggest “utter devastation” (factual). Deleted the latter half because it repeats the sentiment already stated in “...our ability to slaughter our brothers and sisters in senseless wars...”Right after the end of the World War II, the Overmind began preparing for its operations on Earth, but, due to reasons unknown, the Aliens remained ion Mars for at least another decade without taking action,. IInterrogation subjects haven’t responded to our questions with clarity; it seems the Overmind faced unexpected problems during that period, these may involve something called “Vaaish”, we, however, cannot infer on what “Vaaish” is, it might be a cosmic event we have failed to translate or even the name of an Alien species. Whichever the nature of these problems was, the Aliens proceeded to building their Earthly outposts on our planet after the resolution of the Vaaish event. The outposts were mainly for further observation and research; apparently the Overmind was very interested in our capabilities for war, and wanted to find out more about our species, so these bases were not equipped for military actions against us.
This paragraph seems unnecessarily wordy. Suggest: “After World War II, all reports of Alien activity ceased for nearly a decade. From ambiguous information culled from interrogations, the Overmind recalled all Aliens from Earth to face something they call “Vaaish,” a mysterious threat who’s nature is yet unfathomed. In any case, following the resolution of the “Vaaish” matter, the Aliens proceeded to build multiple research and observation outposts on our planet, presumably for the purpose of assessing human military capabilities.”Human abductions presumably began in the early 1960s, with the first report being made in 1961, the possibility of Alien presence on our world became real for a limited portion of our planet’s population, but evidence was scarce and the Aliens activities were largely unnoticed. With Through the abductions, the Aliens managed to comprehend more about our physiology and psyche, they were, however, particularly interested in the Human Genome; endless countless genetic experiments were performed upon Human subjects, as stated in Alien Abductions (for more information, refer to Alien Abductions, see X-Net Eentry://Pegasus.net/Alien/Research/Abductions for more references), aimed at achieving a more thorough understanding, but also with others goals in mind.
Deleted “limited.” It can suggest that the portion of the planet’s population is limited (mentally), and doesn’t add to the meaning of the sentence.
Added “largely.” If it was truly unnoticed, then why are there scattered reports?
Suggest “countless” instead of “endless.” “Endless” can imply that each experiment went on forever, while “countless” implies that there were many experiments.
Suggest rewording the second sentence to simplify: “Through the abductions, the Aliens learned a great deal about our physiology and mentality, but they were particularly interested in the Human Genome. Countless genetic experiments...”
The last sentence ends on a weaker note. Suggest: “...more thorough understanding, and other, more sinister, goals.”Years of research into our DNA gave the Aliens a powerful weapon to be used in the Alien Terror Missions: The Spawn. The Alien creature known to us as the Spawn is no more than a genetically-engineered being, created for the sole purpose of fighting Human beings; the neurotoxicological venom that the creature possesses in its’ claws is not a result of natural evolution, the venom is specially designed to target Human cells, with the already known consequences.
Suggest making the Spawn sound more fearsome, and clarifying “not a result of natural evolution”: “Years of Alien research into our DNA has brought about a new menace seen in Alien Terror Missions: the Spawn. The Spawn is nothing short of a genetically-engineered nightmare created solely for the purpose of human massacre. The lethal neurotoxological venom within its’ claws is not a result of natural evolution; the toxin sacs have been genetically grafted to transform the already dangerous Spawn into something unmistakably deadly.” But what does this have to do with the Alien Goal?Another of the most notorious consequences of Alien research into the Human genome is our evolutionary jump in psionic capabilities. There have always been legends and tales of men and women capable of performing the most amazing feats, beyond Human capacity; many of these feats were regarded as magical in nature, and its performers as mages and witches, as these people could read thoughts or even lift objects without physical contact, the individuals were capable of such actions by mere concentration of thought. In the last forty years, there was discovered an increasing number of people capable of performing psionic feats. These people, however, tend to maintain their psionic nature a secret, so we have no complete intel on the number of people capable of natural psionic abilities. It is a logical conclusion that this “psionic boom” is very much related with the Aliens’ manipulation of Human DNA. Psionic abilities, however, have proven to be inherent to the Human species; our inability to make use of them is due to the general population’s lack of knowledge and training on these, as only very psionically strong subjects are able to wield these abilities without training of any sort, it is most likely that DNA manipulation was precisely aimed, among others, at enhancing our natural psionic capability.
“Notorious”? Doesn’t seem psionic abilities are bad...
“Psionic boom”? Reminds me of Street Fighter.
However, I would change it to “increase in psionic abilities” because “boom” implies a sound, making for an unclear meaning.
The paragraph is interesting, but it doesn’t seem to fit because the information is largely extraneous. What is the Alien purpose in conducting psionic experiments, then letting them go
? Why enhance human psi abilities? The answer is mentioned much later, so I would trim this paragraph to avoid the tangential discussion.
Recommend consolidating this paragraph into two or three sentences, then merging them with the following paragraph, or delete altogether.Research into the psionic capabilities of the Alien creatures known as Cloaks and the high-ranking Greys has provided us our troopers with the means to fully assess a determined subject’s psionic capability and train our troopers in the use of it, and thus to enable them to and unleash all their psionic potential against the Alien menace (for more information, refer to [Psi stuff], X-Net entry://[Pegasus.net/Psi stuff]).
Simplified. Use of the word “means” suggests that humans have the ability to assess and unleash psi potential, but it does not say either way whether how easy or difficult it might be. The reason why I suggest being a little more vague is because there are already other X-Net entries that discuss the matter in more detail.When the Aliens’ presence became unquestionably evident in 2011 and after the first UFO was taken shot down, the Aliens had to change changed their tactics from passive observation to active interaction,; they had amassed all information they needed and it was time to take action proceeded with decisive action. OUnnecessary observation outposts were dismantled as they were no longer needed and since they posed a threat to the Aliens’ operations; Mmankind was technologically advanced enough to be able to detect these outposts if actively searched for, and any captured outpost meant lost technology to the Human species, which would not hesitate in making good use of it against the invaders.
Added “unquestionably” to make a clear distinction between the “limited population” group mentioned previously that believed in Aliens and the whole world believing in Aliens.
Switched “and” to “after” to suggest that the UFO being shot down was the unquestionable evidence of Alien presence.
Changed “taken” to “shot” to connote a more forcible event.
Changed “it was time to take action” to “proceeded with decisive action” to prevent confusion of the speaker. In the former case, it sounds like you’re speaking from the Aliens’ perspective, while in the latter case, the speaker is narrating what the Aliens did.
The two sentences in this paragraph are very packed with information; I’ve simplified them. “Unnecessary” replaces “as they were no longer needed” and “they posed a threat to the Aliens’ operations” is already suggested by “mankind was technologically advanced enough to detect these outposts...”
Suggest truncating the second sentence to simplify further. The point is that the Aliens are taking steps to prevent losses and also to prevent humans from gaining. Readers can infer that humans finding poorly-defended Alien outposts would be a bad
thing for the Aliens without having to specifically tell them why (lost technology, mankind using it, etc.): “...Unnecessary outposts were dismantled since human technology had advanced to the point where these poorly defensible research outposts could possibly be detected.”Military bases were erected to support the imminent Alien ground operations, Alien Freighters were dispatched from Thanatos to deliver the necessary equipment and resources to maintain these bases and operations, as much of the needed supplies were unavailable on Earth, such as the precious Xenium-122 and the Alien Composites. Construction of attack vessels began almost immediately to following the Aliens’ aerial defeat in 2011.; aAssembly of all UFOs currently takes place on Mars, as because no ship construction equipment of any kind was found on Alien bases, only the necessary for ship repairs, rearming and refuelling.
Added “imminent” to clarify that Alien ground operations had NOT yet started at this point in the narrator’s story and that they are just preparing.
Suggest splitting the first sentence into smaller sentences: “...imminent Alien ground operations, and Alien Freighters were dispatched from Thanatos to deliver resources not readily available on Earth, such as the precious Xenium-122 and Alien Composites.”
Suggest removing “to maintain these bases and operations” since that is already implied. What else are the Aliens going to use them for?
Potential consistency error: in the Alien Composites entry, the composites had the ability to incorporate new materials into itself, effectively possessing the ability to “grow,” if I recall correctly. If this is the case, then Alien Composites shouldn’t be as “precious”?
“Aerial defeat” sounds like a large-scale disaster, but only one UFO was shot down, right? Suggest: “aerial incident of 2011.” If it was a large skirmish, I suggest making it more apparent to the reader.
Separated the second sentence into two parts because multiple subjects: initiating vessel construction isn’t quite the same as vessel assembly details.
Substituted “because” for “as”; “as” has been used very frequently in the recent text.
Added “currently” to denote a change of time frame from “began” in the previous sentence.
Suggest simplifying the “no ship construction equipment” portion of the last sentence (“...because terrestrial bases only had facilities for the repairing, rearming, and refueling of attack vessels.”) OR change the meaning and say that the readily available resources and the lower gravity of Thanatos facilitated the ship construction (i.e. constructing ships on Earth was costly, inefficient, and impractical).With all our currently available intelligence on Alien operations, we have finally uncovered the real objectives behind the Aliens’ efforts to conquer our planet: Assimilation.
Of all the Alien species encountered, not one was found to be acting on its free will; all Alien creatures are being manipulated by the being we now know as the Overmind in order to gain a foothold on Earth. Our scientists agree that although all Alien species have been both cybernetically and genetically modified to be more effective on the battlefield, they were all once naturally developed creatures such as we are, with the obvious exceptions of Artopods and Terror Disks which are mechanical constructs, with planets of their own, later captured by the Overmind and used as soldiers in this war against all sentient species.
Changed “all” to “our” (possessive) in the first part of the first sentence to agree with “we” in the latter part.
Possible consistency error dependent on the nature of Overmind control of the Alien species: if it is a constant control, I doubt the Overmind would allow information to be extracted by humans from interrogated Aliens. If it is manipulation, then the Aliens have free-will but are just misguided. If it is beyond that, I might suggest the word “enslaved.”
Depending on the mood you want to portray, suggest replacing “both cybernetically and genetically modified” with either “both cybernetically and genetically enhanced” or “tampered with both cybernetically and genetically.” The former focuses on their increased capabilities, while the latter focuses on their lack of free will, increasing sympathy for them.
Suggest changing “...they were all naturally developed creatures” to “they once possessed untainted biologies” to symbolize their previous “purity” and subsequent warping by the Overmind.
This paragraph-long sentence is, well, too long; suggest splitting it up into several smaller sentences.
“Mechanical constructs”... Constucted by whom? Perhaps their creators were deemed “unfit” by the Overmind and consequently eradicated, but the Artopods and Terror Disks were considered worthy salvage?We have strong reasons to believe that the Overmind’s goal is to assimilate the Human species into its forces, and use our capabilities to strengthen its army. The reasons of why would the Overmind be interested in species such as ours are quite evident; oOur inborn abilities are a natural combination of those that the Aliens’ have obtained only through cybernetic and genetic modification, we are capable of developing strong psionic powers, comparable to those of the Cloaks, our soldiers have proven to be a match for the Alien troops, even Morlocks; the Human brain structure is more developed than most Alien species’, perhaps just under that of the Greys, and so goes the list.
After the statement in the first sentence, it follows that the second sentence would support of the first; no preface is necessary.
Added “only” to the second sentence to further stress the fact that unmodified human abilities are comparable to altered Aliens. Freaky! Actually, you might want to say the “unmodified humans vs. altered Aliens” bit in the text, and how dangerous a modified human might become...
Be careful not to list all these positive human attributes so exuberantly- you should also comment on obvious human weaknesses to make the assertion seem less one-sided and more believable. I.e. “despite having less brute strength than [Alien X],...” or “in spite of limited temperature tolerances...”This brings us to the point of two possible key failures in the Overmind’s strategy: Tthe fact that it has not used weapons of mass destruction and it has not attempted to unleashed its full army against us. These, although at first sight appear as strategic slips, are in reality the very intentions of the Overmind and represent the geniality behind the Star-Spawn’s plan.
Suggest: “...strategy: the use of only low-yield weaponry and limited troop deployment” to simplify.
Suggest: “Although at first, these appear to be strategic slips, they are in reality intentional decisions by the Overmind...” to improve flow.
“Geniality”? I don’t think the Aliens’ plan is friendly. Suggest: “...and belie the sinister purpose behind the Star-Spawn’s plan.”First let us look in detail at the existence and use of mass destruction weaponry. Though we have no real evidence that confirms the fact that the Aliens’ possess weapons of mass destructions such as our current Fission and Fusion Bombs [Fusion bombs are not intended here as Xenocide’s Blaster Bombs, but as our real life Fusion Bombs, we may have to see this possible problem in detail later], we do not have any evidence that denies it either. The level of technological advance showed by the Aliens is well above us, and as such, is very likely, if not almost certain, that the Star-Spawn have already achieved breakthroughs in the atomic field, gaining the power to split and merge atoms at will. Such power would undoubtedly have led to the usage of it for war purposes such as atomic bombs. So in sum, it would be illogical that the Aliens, with their advanced science, had not developed atomic weaponry such as ours. Our scientists have even expressed the possibility of Xenium-122 being used for bombs of mass destruction with destructive powers that could eclipse those of Uranium-238 bombs.
This paragraph and the two paragraphs are very pedantic; suggest combining and using a more direct, dynamic style. Introduction: “Although we have no evidence of Alien long-range, high-yield, area-effect weaponry, it is almost certain that the Aliens possess knowledge of such weapons at their advanced level of technological expertise.
Optional: “In fact, our scientists have been stunned at the sheer destructive potential of a mere two grams
of Xenium-122.” Might run into a consistency problem if the result isn’t radioactive: if a Xenium-122 bomb doesn’t result in radioactive debris, then the radiation argument in the next paragraph is invalid.Now let us look into the matter of usage of such weaponry against us. Missiles launched from Mars would most likely to be detected and destroyed before even entering our atmosphere. But our possibility of long range detection of such missiles has died out with the complete annihilation of our satellite grid in 2012; the Aliens know knew that we would be defenseless against such an attack at this point, so we have to look for another reason of for their apparent hesitation to destroy us in one blow. The Overmind, as powerful as it is, is not all-powerful, and its resources, as plenty as they seem, are not infinite. We have so far successfully managed to contain the full extent of the Aliens’ attack force, and thus, we have depleted the seemingly endless supply of Alien resources. Not only we have done that but we have also denied them the possibility of extracting more resources from our planet, any attempt to do so would attract enough attention for us to take action immediately. The Overmind is running low on supplies, no supplies means no military capability against us. If the Overmind was to bombard us with nuclear weaponry or its Alien equivalent, that would not only kill hundreds of thousands of potential Human slaves, but would also make our planet’s surface very radioactive. Studies of Alien physiology reveal that they are no more capable of supporting exposure to radiation than we are. So that would grant the Overmind the victory over this war, but would also leave it without resources and stranded on Mars, with less resources than it had began with and with an almost completely inhabitable planet as prize. So, to sum up, the Overmind is low on resources and it needs those of our planet, if it uses mass destruction weapons it cannot retrieve those resources and ends up alone in Mars; no Human slaves, no resources and no planet.
“Complete annihilation of our satellite grid”? By the Aliens (was there a war then?)? By budget cuts? Meteor strike?
Continuation: “We can also assume that the Aliens had knowledge of the (destruction/disarray/dismantling) of our satellite defense grid in 2012.”
Question: “Obviously, this begs the question: why haven’t the Aliens used such potent weapons against us?
Answer: “The Overmind, powerful as it is, is not omnipotent, and the resources at its disposal are becoming increasingly constrained. Our continued resistance to the Overmind’s plans has cost the Alien war machine valuable materiel and denied it a terrestrial resource base, as well as forcing it to maintain a logistically-impractical supply line from Thanatos. It now appears that although Overmind is running into resource shortfalls, the Star-Spawn still refrain from using nuclear devices. After a comprehensive review of Alien biological data, we think we’ve finally hit upon an answer: the Aliens are as vulnerable to gamma radiation as we are. In short, a nuclear exchange would only result in a Pyrrhic victory for the Overmind: an inhospitable environment, no human slaves, and irretrievable resources.
Potential consistency problem: Aliens possess superior genetic engineering skills- why not capture several human specimens and propagate an Alien-Human strain? There is another Alien species that I can’t remember the name of that incorporates human parts, right? This would sidestep their need to continue their costly fight the X-Corps, and there are other planets in the Solar System that could have resources...This is closely tied with the third possible potential strategic flaw: Tthe strategy of pursuing Terror Missions instead of employing a full-scale out assault with all its troops.
There are two theories. The first one is that the Overmind at the beginning of the war had not produced enough of its clone troops to overcome us all, it did not attempt to use its full power because it underestimated our capacity for war and adaptation, once it realized that the tides of battle were turning against it, it was too late. And the second one is that the Overmind feared that an assault on our planet would lead to us making use of our own nuclear armament once we noticed that we were against impossible odds; usage of nuclear armament as last resource of desperation would lead to the already mentioned consequences, the Star-Spawn cannot let us destroy our planet as it needs it.
So, after analyzing possible flaws in the strategy being employed against us, we have come to the conclusion that the Star-Spawn’s tactics were the result of careful planning. Terror missions are the most viable way for the Aliens to seize power; to terrorize mankind to the point of it submitting to the Aliens with the signing of treaties that would slowly grant full power to the Overmind. The Overmind has plotted a master plan, which, fortunately for us, has had the only flaw of underestimating us.
Added “pursuing” be symmetric with “employing.”
Changed “full-out assault with all its troops” to “full-scale assault” to simplify.
Recommend removing the “Aliens underestimate humans” angle- it dilutes the message of “careful planning by the Aliens.” Besides, it can be mentioned later in a 1-liner at the end of the paragraph.
Reasons: “We have constructed a theory explaining the Alien course of action. After nearly a century of observations, the Overmind acknowledged the destructive spirit of humans and has at all costs prevented putting us in a situation where we might destroy ourselves and the planet to forestall an Alien victory. Therefore, we have concluded that the using Terror Missions to coerce individual nations of the Earth into signing treaties was the most viable way for the Aliens to establish a foothold in the terrestrial theater. Fortunately, the flaw in the Overmind’s master plan was in underestimating our abilities.This gives us a new perspective on the Alien creatures we have so far encountered, they are not conquerors, they are slaves, poor unfortunate creatures that have fallen under the control of the Overmind, and are now on its leash. We must not hate them, we must pity them.
Our mission now is not only to stop the Overmind but also to protect Earth and our species; we must prevent the Overmind from continuing this its millennia-old campaign of conquest it has started and subjugation.
The “we must not hate them, we must pity them” line is pretty heavy-handed. I would recommend a softer approach. Suggestion follows.
The transition from the previous paragraph is a bit abrupt- going from “the Overmind’s master plan” to “let’s pity the Aliens.” Suggest: “The fact that we, as unmodified humans, are succeeding in our stubborn resistance against the Overmind’s array of heavily-enhanced Aliens only demonstrates our potential and makes us all the more valuable to the Overmind. It makes us shudder for the future of universe should we fail and become the latest brainwashed, gene-altered and machine-grafted minions of the Overmind. Considering the Overmind's plan to enslave and assimilate our species, we can view the other Aliens races, despite their Overmind-induced hostility, as unfortunate slaves engineered into rapacious killers. They have been turned into biomechanical horrors against their will and are unfeelingly sent to die at our hands for a goal they can no longer comprehend. Outside of the battlefield, they deserve our pity. On the battlefield, we must do our duty and preserve our planet.”
Final line: "Our mission now is not only to thwart the Overmind's malevolent designs but also to protect Earth and our species; we must at all costs prevent the Overmind from continuing its millennia-old campaign of conquest and subjugation."“So they want to assimilate us?”
“So then resistan…”
“Don’t say it, it’s not funny!”
“Come on!, I HAVE to say it!”
“…Oh all right, go ahead”
“…Resistance… is futile...”
- Star Trek fan Private Juan Vázquez and Private Dean Thompson.
I like it!“See? I told you!”
Matías Laíno – Research Division, Biochemistry Department.
Not sure I understand this one, but I do like the non-English names in these quotes- makes the game seem more realistic and heterogenous.
Hey Az, this is a long piece with lots of good ideas, and it summarizes the whole Alien history, to boot. Unfortunately, I feel that text occasionally gets off topic while it should be furthering the reader’s understanding of the “Alien Goal.”
Hopefully, you won’t take offense to my marking up your entry, especially in the last few paragraphs. To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve closely proofread something so extensive, so I am completely exhausted. Let me just say that I’m in awe of your writing prowess- I’m sure my proofreading has taken but a fraction of the time that you’ve spent writing it.
After a bit of polish, this piece will be the Lamborghini of X-Net entries! Good job, Az!
Edited by Astyanax, 31 January 2005 - 12:05 PM.