93 replies to this topic

[Syntax Error]

MH82 grenade:

This hand grenade uses an adjustable electromagnetic detonator, this one must be regulated before taking the pin out, the detonator perhaps regulated with the hand before launched, contrary to the traditional grenades which uses chemical combustion preventing the use of regulated timer.

Effective Casualty Radius (ECR) of 35 m: the effective ray of damage is defined as a ray starting from the point of explosion of the grenade where at least 50% of the exposed personnel will undergo wounds. The ECR of a grenade is relatively small in comparison with others explosive weapons, however wounds are sudden in a ray much larger than the effective ray of damage.
The range of a hand grenade depends entirely on the skill in launched of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is made up of 3 principal parts:

The body, the explosive and the fuse. The body contains some explosiv. It is composed of aluminium foam reducing the whietgh of the grenade considerably and allowing to carry more explosive for the same weight (754 gr). This envelope produces tiny fragments at the time of the explosion, increasing the damage.

The explosive: the grenade is filled with a mixture known under the name of Blend & White Plastic ©, a very stable explosive as long as the mixture of the different component has not made.

The fuse: is a fitting of machine elements and electric which allows the firing.

This quiet fuse hasn’t any smoke, nor sparks. The system of fuse is made up:
- Lever
- Pin of safety
- Electromagnetic hammer
- Spring of hammer
- Retardater
- Electromagnetic Detonator

The electromagnetic hammer sending a discharge of 3000 V in mixed explosive in order to cause the detonation. The hammer cannot function without regulate the detonator and to take the pin out. When the lever is slackened the spring of the hammer forces the hammer to swivel on an arc, thus projecting the lever and continuing until it reaches the starter. If the catch is slackened on the lever of safety, the hammer can be slackened and to strike the starter without same as the lever is ejected. It is thus significant to keep a firm catch on the lever in any time after the removed pin silks.

The retarder is a microchip memorizing information of the detonator, it is fed by the same accumulator which makes it possible to have 3000v, but several filters make it possible to bring back the tension to a value of 1.2 v to feed the chip.
The detonator is composed of a caster which the soldier must make turn to select the time between the shrinking of the pin and the blow up.

Damn it was hard to write this!

[Breunor]

Since the original ufopedia doesn't say, does anyone know what the blast radius for the grenade is? The squares in the game were 1 meter. We would need the text to match that for v1.

[Syntax Error]

35 meters is the blast radius for a standard grenade, but it could be 5 meters and nobody cry.

You mean that blast radius is to hard to understand?

[Breunor]

No, just that if you say the radius is 35 meters, and people can eyeball on the screen how far that is, they'll think at first that anything within a screen of the blast will take damage. I know we have a visual scale issue with v1, since it mimics the original game, so I guess the distance doesn't really matter.

[Syntax Error]

In "UFO:Aftermath" the blast radius of the frag grenade is 5 meters, but in the real, the best, the wonderful, the amazing "UFO: Defense", i don't know, but i will install it on ma hard-drive.

[Gutter Monkey]

The blast circle left by a regular grenade going off in a grass feild was 9 squares across at it's widest, so that gives us a 4.5 meter blast radius.

[Breunor]

So you could say the shockwave extends out 35 meters, causing significant damage to targets caught within 5 meters of the detonation perhaps. We all know a grenade is hazardous to your health at 7 or 8 meters away too.

[Cartesian]

instead of putting in a specific distance now, leave it as "X", make the battlescape, play with some grenades, find a distance that suits the game well and makes it fun. After that put a numerical value in the ctd?

[Breunor]

Or leave out a blast radius altogether... if the original game had the damage radius of 4 blocks beyond the grenade's block, then we'll also use approximately 5m for v1. Once we integrate a better line of sight and fog of war system after v1, we can increase the radius to make it more realistic I'm sure.

[Syntax Error]

I agree, it is the better thing to do.
And nobody cares about my beautifull smoke grenade?

[coolp]

Nice stuff! You might want to just put the blast radius in [] and leave it be... are any of those gameplay kind of things decided yet, or are they pending playtest?

Edited by coolp, 04 December 2003 - 12:00 AM.

[kchickenlord]

The blast radius is large but if thats the fragmentation radius it pales in comparison to a real grenade

[Blehm 98]

this entry is done. If anyone had anything more to say, then please speak out, or i (hope) this topic will be closed

[The Master Maniac]

Sounds about right to me. I like the idea of allowing the player to digest the individual techology of the weapons in the game. It makes the weapons and items seem a lot less cookie-cutter. I'm not sure that I have anything useful to add myself, other than that I agree with Cartesian in actually waiting for a working battle environment to "test" the weapons in before we get too specific. Waiting later to edit the CTD in terms of the little details would be a good idea.

[RustedSoul]

well i could'nt find any flaws with it, aside from a few typos and maybe replacing retarder with delay.. nothing other than tweaks really.

Topic scheduled for transportation to completed on the 17th, provided nobody has any objections, or would like to make some medium-large alterations.

[Astyanax]

This entry is very technical, to the point of being too stylistically different from other texts. Imho, we're trying to write these CTs for an average game-player, so we must make the text engaging rather than dry. My main issue is that there is way too much detail; a lot of the text can be simplified and streamlined without changing the overall meaning much. In exchange for the technical aspects, an aspiring creative writer in need of a challenge *hint hint* could expand the text by detailing the grenade's applications, the historical development, the manufacturer's background, etc. Be forewarned that extensive work is required.

Also, it should be "Sergeant" (and "Miles"?) for the fluff text.

[Moriarty]

I tried to streamline this a bit... here's what I came up with:

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 standard-issue Fragmentation Grenade is the state-of-the-art combat explosive available to us.
The effective casualty radius (ECR) of a MH82 grenade is relatively small in comparison with other explosive devices available, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is made up of 3 principal parts: Shell, charge and detonator. The body is composed of aluminum foam reducing the weight of the grenade considerably and allowing it to carry more explosive materials while keeping the same weight. The shell is fragmented into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.
The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest and deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.
Unlike traditional grenades, which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.


Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the safety-button. Soldiers should note that the grenade is not able to discern being thrown from being dropped. Special caution is advised when operating under influence of wounds and/or toxic chemicals where loss of consciousness may take place.



"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They pull out the safety pin, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

[Moriarty]

thinking about the fluff with the safety pin, an my own text about the safety-button: how does the grenade operate anyway? the grenades I know and used had a safety pin which prevented you from detaching the fuse-inhibitor. so only by pulling the safety-pin, you were able to start the "fuse", and once you started the "fuse", there was no way to stop - it's throw-or-die. grenades in XCom are different, afaik, because when a soldier has them, they don't detonate. even if he picks up a primed-and-thrown grenade and stuffs it into his backpack.

so how will grenades act in xenocide? because if this is like in XCom, we need to make something up to explain it
perhaps something like what is discussed in the FlashPod-CTD : there are concealed buttons on it, so when you pick it up, you can turn it off.

[Sinscale17]

Somebody did read my flashpod entry.

I agree, none of the grenades or satchel charge will set off in your hand, when picked up, and will automatically defuse when stashed in your pocket, combined with the safety trigger already mentioned, some method of deactivation as a safety method may need putting in here to explain why you can arm a grenade, drop it and pick it up again, and then put it in your backpack without horrific death and/or embarassment.

Could even be a flavour text. After the fourth "exploding pocket incident", automatic deactivator switches started to sound a good idea...

[Astyanax]

The usual stuff: Red text indicates additions, orange text indicates deletions, and blue text indicates comments or suggestions.

Added [brackets] and capitalizations of the word "Alien" are not denoted, and British spellings are replaced with red-marked American spellings.

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 standard-issue Fragmentation Grenade is the state-of-the-art combat explosive available to us. Maybe: "...is the most advanced/powerful/devastating/effective/efficient (hand-thrown?) explosive available to the X-Corps"?

The effective casualty radius (ECR) Imho, acronyms don't need to be called out if they're used only once of a the MH82 grenade is relatively small in comparison with other available Maybe instead of "other available", use "larger/bulkier"? explosive devices available, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. Maybe: "The effective casualty radius of the small, lightweight MH82 grenade is relatively small compared to bulkier explosive devices, but none are more effective as hand-thrown tools of area destruction"? The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is made up comprised? of 3 principal parts: Shell shell, charge and detonator. The body is composed of aluminum foam reducing the weight of the grenade considerably and allowing it to carry more explosive materials while keeping the same weight. Maybe: "...hardened lightweight aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass"? The shell is fragmented fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet and deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades, which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the safety-button. Soldiers should note that the grenade is not able to discern being thrown from being dropped. Special caution is advised when operating under influence of wounds and/or toxic chemicals where loss of consciousness may take place. Maybe: "Special caution is advised when operating under conditions, such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur"?

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They pull out the safety pin, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

I must say that I am quite enjoying this recent surge of creative activity! Still a little on the short side, but this text is much more readable than it was before. Kudos, Moriarty!

(Oops, I didn't see your flashpod post until just now, Sinscale17- I had only seen the next page. Good work there, too! )

Edited by Astyanax, 25 February 2005 - 02:08 PM.

[Moriarty]

okay, next try

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 standard-issue Fragmentation Grenade is the most advanced hand-thrown explosive available to the X-Corps

The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. As it is, it is the most effective hand-thrown tool of area destruction. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator. The body is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. The shell fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet  deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the trigger switch and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of the safety buttons . Special caution is advised when operating under conditions such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur.

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They prime it, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

[Mad]

Ok, I´m trying to use the standard... Hope its ok this way...
blue for comments

[...]
The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. As it is, it is the most effective hand-thrown tool of area destruction. Hm... Maybe it´s just me, but I think "area destruction" sounds a little to... strong. And you have two times "it is". What do you think of: "As a matter of fact it is the most effective hand-thrown explosive anti personnel weapon" Or "As a matter of fact it is the most effective tool out of the hand-thrown explosive anti personnel weaponry" (maybe its better to use armoury than weaponry) The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier. [...]

[Astyanax]

No complaints in the text, though Mad brings up good points. Though if you decided against weaponry, I'd use "armament" instead of "armoury". The dual "it is" really is bad- I can't believe I missed it! "As a matter of fact, "currently", "at the moment", "in fact" all are decent ways to start the sentence.

There's no exact standard, Mad, but I do try to be consistent in my posts and include a key. You're doing fine.

[Moriarty]

you're right, the double "it is" is crap. I kind of noticed while I was typing, but I was too tired to think about it

I also deleted the second sentence, because I noticed that the same fact actually turns up two more times in the text can't believe I missed that.
(1. "As it is, it is the most effective hand-thrown tool of area destruction."
2. "making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.")

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 standard-issue Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is the most effective hand-thrown tool of destruction available at this time. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator. The body is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. The shell fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the trigger switch and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of the safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under conditions such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur.

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They prime it, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

[Moriarty]

*bump*
no more comments?

[dan2]

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Pretty good, but here I would add at the end something like "for its size"

[Moriarty]

yes, I guess you're right.

any further comments?

[dan2]

yes, I guess you're right.

any further comments?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The timer seems sophisticated enough to be mentioned here:
"The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator",
but it's not really big deal. In the rest it seems pretty good

Edited by dan2, 18 March 2005 - 08:36 AM.

[Moriarty]

newest version:

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 standard-issue Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is the most effective hand-thrown tool of destruction available at this time, especially for its size. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator.

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the trigger switch and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of the safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under conditions such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur.

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They prime it, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

it was my impression that the timer is part of the detonator mechanism. right?

Edited by Moriarty, 18 March 2005 - 01:20 PM.

[dan2]

In my grenade I used electrothermal detonator. An electric curent goes through a coil that gets hot enough to initiate the explosion.
How is this electromagnetic detonator functioning?
"yet deadliest among hand-thrown explosive weaponry" will probably become obsolete really fast, when alien grenade is researched. How about something with just "deadly"?

[Exo2000]

"yet deadliest among man-made hand-thrown explosive weaponry" fits the bill, IMO.

[Moriarty]

resolved the "most effective" problem
deleted "standard-issue" from first paragraph for double use of "standard"
added a new fluff
added "commercially available" to resolve the "deadliest" problem in third paragraph

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is a quite deadly and effective tool of destruction, especially for its size and weight. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

"Grenade ["nade"] noun Great for clearing areas. Prime, throw, boom. Everyone should have one."
-Soldier's Dictionary

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator.

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among commercially available hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the trigger switch and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of the safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under conditions such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur.

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They prime it, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

[Astyanax]

At this point, all I have are Astyanax™-type comments (in other words, the text is fine, I'm just nitpicking ).

Maybe substitute "increasing the lethality of the blast" for "increasing the damage caused by the blast" in this paragraph:

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the damage caused by the blast.

This paragraph is slightly confusing:

Note: Once set, the MH82 is activated upon releasing the trigger switch and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of the safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under conditions such as grievous injury or the influence of toxic substances, where loss of consciousness may occur.

The "Once set" seems redundant with "is activated". Also, the second sentence could be simplified; I suggest:

Note: Once the priming trigger is released, the MH82 is activated and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of safety buttons.  Special care is advised when the risk of unconsciousness, either through intoxication or grievous injury, is high.

Edited by Astyanax, 28 March 2005 - 12:04 PM.

[Moriarty]

changed "increasing the damage caused by the blast" into "increasing the effective range and incapacitating capability of the blast."

re-worded the "Note:" paragraph
(I kept the parts that I really really like )


one possible change might have to be included if the "electromagnetic fuse" discussion in the "smoke grenade" thread concludes that another mechanism makes more sense. otherwise this might be considered "finished" don't you think?

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is a quite deadly and effective tool of destruction, especially for its size and weight. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

"Grenade ["nade"] noun Great for clearing areas. Prime, throw, boom. Everyone should have one."
-Soldier's Dictionary

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator.

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive payload while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the effective range and incapacitating capability of the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among commercially available hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.


Note: Once the priming trigger is released, the MH82 is activated and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under the influence of toxic substances or grievous injury, where loss of consciousness may occur before the grenade can be deactivated.

"What do Aliens do when a rookie throws a grenade at them? They prime it, and throw it right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

[Astyanax]

(I kept the parts that I really really like )

That's the spirit! I don't want people feeling obligated to take my comments and suggestions "as they are" (though it does make me feel warm and fuzzy when they are at least addressed in some manner )

*tweak tweak*
The "Note:" paragraph still bugs me a little, since "under the influence of toxic substances or grievous injury" can be mistakingly read as "under the influence of toxic substances" and "under the influence of grievous injury"- the latter case doesn't make sense.

Maybe: "Once the priming trigger is released, the grenade is activated and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating the MH82 while intoxicated or after sustaining grievous injury, particularly where the loss of consciousness/unconsciousness can occur prior to deactivation."?

Geez... when, while, where...

Edited by Astyanax, 03 April 2005 - 04:05 AM.

[Moriarty]

actually, what's so wrong with "under the influence of grievous injury"? I think "grievous injury" can be interpreted as a "condition".

[Astyanax]

Well, I have only seen "under the influence" refer to substance abuse. For example, if I had appendicitis, I don't think it would be proper to say I was "under the influence" of appendicitis... Imho, "grievous injury" and "appendicitis" are more things that you have, rather than conditions you have. Eh, I hope I'm explaining this clearly...

Edited by Astyanax, 03 April 2005 - 11:09 AM.

[Moriarty]

if you read the last sentence of the definition you pasted, it's right there...

The explosive charge carried in the warhead of a missile.

...okay, a grenade is not a missile. still, I think "payload" is just something to describe "the total net weight/mass/volume/whatever of the important stuff in something that contains it". in that way, I think it fits perfectly.

[dipstick]

Well, let me wade in with my size 10s... (or 11s, but hey...)

I agree that 'under the influence' should only refer to a drug induced state or similar.

I agree that 'payload' should, and can be used to describe the quantity of explosive material carried by a grenade.


There we go. Concise and inflammatory. Just the way I like it.

On a more serious note, when reading the phrases in context, I feel that 'under the influence' can be kept where it is, as long as another phrase is added.

eg 'while under the influence of drugs or while carrying a serious injury'

Also, the second use of 'payload' I feel should be reworded as 'capacity' otherwise it jarrs.

I will shut up now - too much proofreading...

PS one last comment - the first fluff I think is sufficient - as long as it drops to the end of the CT.

Edited by dipstick, 03 April 2005 - 02:00 PM.

[Moriarty]

resolved (hopefully) the "influence" issue
kept "payload" in the first paragraph, changed for "capacity" in the other
changed the second fluff (better flow now, imho)

oh, noticed one thing: The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier. - is that true? will it be this way? otherwise, this sentence should be deleted.

GRENADE
X-Net://Pegasus.net/Weapons/Grenade

The MH82 Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is a quite deadly and effective tool of destruction, especially for its size and weight. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

"Grenade ["nade"] noun Great for clearing areas. Prime, throw, boom. Everyone should have one."
-Soldier's Dictionary

The MH82 grenade is comprised of 3 principal parts: shell, charge and detonator.

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive capacity while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the effective range and incapacitating capability of the blast.

The charge of the grenade consists of Blend & White Plastic®, a very stable explosive, making the MH82 Fragmentation Grenade the safest, yet deadliest among commercially available hand-thrown explosive weaponry.

Unlike traditional grenades which use a chemical fuse, the MH82 has been fitted with a time-adjustable electromagnetic detonator. Before throwing the grenade, the soldier can set a specific countdown-timer using a dial set into the top of the device.  As an additional safety measure, a concealed deactivation mechanism has been integrated, allowing the defusing of the grenade for those who know the location of the concealed buttons and the order in which they have to be pressed.


Note: Once the priming trigger is released, the MH82 is activated and can only be defused by pressing the correct sequence of safety buttons. Special caution is advised when operating under the influence of toxic substances or when seriously injured. If loss of consciousness occurs before the grenade can be deactivated, the result can be fatal.

"What do Aliens do when a rookies throw grenades at them? They prime 'em, and throw 'em right back!"
- Sergeant Miles Durton, trying to be funny.

Edited by Moriarty, 03 April 2005 - 02:43 PM.

[Astyanax]

All right, one final comment and I'll shut up...

In the last sentence before the fluff, use "can be fatal" instead of "will be fatal", because when soldiers start wearing armor, they won't necessarily be killed by a grenade blast.

Edited by Astyanax, 03 April 2005 - 02:36 PM.

[Moriarty]

okay, changed it. for simplicity's sake, I just edited the post instead of posting everything again

[Moriarty]

you are right in that the usual use of payload appears to be for missiles, trucks or other means of transportation. considering that grenades do not move actively, I guess payload sounds odd. I still believe it is probably technically correct as in the explanation I posted earlier you know, the one about "important part of something"

what should we change it to?
"load" ?
"explosive content" ?
...


?


EDIT: oh, and I noticed that in the second sentence, "explosive" occurs twice... can somebody think of an alternative wording?

Edited by Moriarty, 04 April 2005 - 12:32 AM.

[Mad]

what should we change it to?
"load" ?
"explosive content" ?
...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What do you think of "padding"?

[Kikanaide]

The MH82 Fragmentation Grenade is the standard grenade of the X-Corps. The effective casualty radius of the MH82 is relatively small in comparison with larger explosive devices, due to size and weight limitations incurred by the use as a thrown combat explosive. In spite of this reduced payload, it is a quite deadly and effective tool of destruction, especially for its size and weight. The throwing range of a hand grenade depends largely on the throwing abilities of the soldier.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

On sentence 2, I would suggest the following: "effective casualty...relatively small in comparison with the [satchel charge] and [rocket launcher]"...whatever their final names are. Actually, you might restructure that whole sentence to say "The size and weight limitations of hand-thrown combat explosives by necessity constrain the effective casualty radius of the MH82 to be smaller than that of the ____." With perhaps a different word for "limits" and hopefully an official-sounding work for hand-thrown. Or just "hand-thrown devices". But active voice is usually preferred, though I personally use it less often than I should.

For sentence 3, perhaps "In spite of these restrictions," or "In spite of this," or just "Regardless," and consider deleting "quite"

Sentence 4, perhaps instead of throwing range you might say accuracy, and say "entirely dependent on distance and the throwing ability of the soldier." At least I assume that we'll use only those two parameters when determining how close to the target square the grenade ends up...if not, perhaps no "entirely" and back to "largely."

The shell is composed of hardened aluminum foam, allowing for a greater explosive capacity while maintaining an optimal mass. It fragments into shrapnel by the force of the explosion, increasing the effective range and incapacitating capability of the blast.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Just out of curiosity, what is aluminum foam? And I would suggest "which allows for" and "but maintains." And for sentence 2, "The force of the explosion causes the shell to fragment into shrapnel, ___"

Other than that, and some of those are quite minor, it reads well and is a great adaptation of the original.

Edited by Kikanaide, 04 April 2005 - 09:58 AM.