Topic merged, if there is already a thread, please use it.
The research history of the [mind probe] is a particularly interesting one, for X-corps scientists anyway. After the device was retrieved from the field, and Professor Jeremy Howard confiscated it from the rookie playing with it, research could start.
Final name is "Psionic Probe". No naming of individual characters inside the text, only on fluff texts, also, "confiscated from the rookie playing with it" makes X-Corps sound like a bunch of children playing in a toystore. Careful about the language employed, it is not looking professional, remember this is a scientific report, not a personal letter.
"What? This? It's an alien football - It's mine dude! I found it first! Give it bac- *THUD*" Rookie Johnson, shortly before being subdued by Professor Jeremy Howard.
This is a direct referrence to what I stated above, this is up to be removed as it won't make sense once the other part is corrected.
The device is a blue, dimpled orb the size of a football, as noted by Johnson. Closer analysis showed that the dimples contained psionic receptors, but no matter how hard we tried, none of the X-corps research team could figure out how to use it. So we put it into storage, and began to look into other research projects. That was when the breakthrough came.
Again, no reference of individuals. If they couldn't figure out how to use them, how did they know they were psionic receptors? that makes them sound too natural, while this is the first psionic device they can research. This part sounds like it was a story, it's a scientific report on the properties and functioning of the Psionic Probe, not the story. Also, they put it in storage? when the player hits "research", it's researched, they don't put it in storage and work on other projects, otherwise there would be research progress on other topics.
One of the two storage workers putting the dead-end research projects into storage that night came over all funny while putting the Psionic Probe away. His account follows.
"Well, me and mike were putting the stuff that confused the eggheads into storage, and I made to throw the Alien Football to him, like a basketball pass, and I went all funny. Suddenly, I was mike, if you see what I mean. I could see myself throwing a football at me. At that point I got all confused, and I was me again. Mike didn't have a clue what happened."
Peter Stone, Storage worker.
Don't make them sound like actual kids, we do have fluffs that border stupidity (something some people don't agree with), but they serve the purpose of being funny, but you're integrating the stupidity of the people in the fluffs into the text, don't. The part before the fluff is telling a story, this is a report.
The researchers picked up the trail again, and discovered a fair amount about the Psionic Probe.
As most scientists know, every living thing emits brainwaves. The Psionic Probe's multiple psionic receptors pick up these brainwaves and store them within its orbic shape. The device is hollow, and the brainwaves are reflected internally. Once enough brainwaves have been accumulated within, brainwaves of the same signature (from the same individual) begin to collect in the shell of the device. Upon contact with skin from a sentient being, the brainwaves will enter the host brain through the neural system.
Hmmm, I think we don't "emit" brainwaves, I could be wrong, but the emitting part makes us sound like antennas. I still don't know where did the psionic receptors came from, how did they know? also, if the orb is hollow, how does it store brainwaves? I think you're making brainwaves sound too much like radio emissions, and there is a coherency problem I'll explain later.
The end result is that the host can feel certain things through the recieved brainwaves about the individual that produced them. This may include morale, pain, Limited vision, a couple of memories, and knowledge of limitations. Practically, the Psionic Probe can be used to identify an alien's race, rank, armament, state of injury, psionic skill and resistance, morale, stamina, fatigue and other information about them, simply by grasping this orb and concentrating on the target. However, the device is large, cumbersome, and sometimes difficult to use.
I think you can identify the race when you have to walk up to it and use it close range
and I dont think you can check vision. Don't recite the skills as if you were reading a list, in RL we don't have skills on a paper, so don't talk about them as if they were listed somewhere as part of a "character sheet". "Cumbersome"? I think the probe is light-weight and small.
"This thing is gnarly! I stole one out of the stores and used it to spy on Helen Parkinson for a whole week!"
Rookie Brown, in his field report on the Psionic Probe, shortly before his court-martial and expulsion on charges of voyeurism.
It does not give vision, you have to be very near to use it, and why would the rookie say in his "field" report that he was spying on someone? this fluff is not appropiate.
You don't seem to have used any of the parts of the text written by Kamikazee, I suggest you take it as a base, as this text really needs to be rewritten from scratch, also, I had told you to read Psionic Amplifier and Psionic Theory, please do it, the text has to be coherent. This is the first psionic device they are ever going to find, keep that in mind, I don't know if we are going to make it a requirement for Psionic Training Facility, but we might.