52 replies to this topic

[tzuchan]

Hmm... Part one from Tales of the Xenocide, the origin of the Overmind

 Overmind.rtf   5.09K   14 downloads

"Come, children, come. Let me tell you a story long forgotten by many, a tale of terrible wars and brave deeds, of evil warlords and selfless heros. Come, let me tell you the story of the Xenocide Wars...

"Long ago, on the third watery moon Mik'rath of the planet Kres'nath, orbiting the binary star Te'lan, came the peaceful race of Mi'Kael. They were unlike any other beings, seeing that they were tiny tiny lifeforms, smaller than the head of a pin, that came together in great colonies under the surface of the oceans of Mik'rath. They did so because each of them by themselves had very little imagination, but together, they could dream Dreams of wonder, unlike any you and I have ever dreamth of, and sometimes these wondrous Dreams could be felt even by other races far far away... But sadly, the peaceful dreamers were wakened horribly when one day, a star fell from the skies into the seas of Mik'rath.

"For this star was no star, but a ship from far far away, carrying the Ammonites and thier genetic slaves, the Sagisati. The Ammonites were explorers from another world, seeking planets where they could build colonies, for thier homeworld was old and over-populated. They did not realize that the Mi'Kael were a thinking people, for they had never seen anything like it before, and thus, they starting killing off the Mi'Kael, to make a place for themselves on the beautiful water moon Mik'rath.

"Feeling the pain of thier brethren, seeing thier Dreams die, the Mi'Kael screamed thier Dreams at the strange beings that invaded thier world, the strange colonies that moved together, so mindless, so destructive, and as more and more Mi'Kael fell to the strangers, the darker the Dreams became, and the Mutterings began. Strange new thoughts came to the Mi'Kael, of forced termination, of removal of all that was not Mi'Kael, and eventually, the Dreams became so dark, the Mutterings so prevalent, that the Mi'Kael struck out at the strange colonies, entering them for force the termination of the mindless ones.

"To the surprise of the Mi'Kael, these mindless colonies obey the Dreams of certain colonies, and as they struck down several of the mindless ones, groups of Mi'Kael entered several of these master colonies and found, to thier delight, that here, they could scream loud enough that these thinking colonies could think of nothing but the dark Dreams of the Mi'Kael. It was then that the Mi'Kael learned the truth of the strange mindless ones, this Ammonites and their strange "bodies" and thier worlds.

"At once, the Mi'Kael gathered for a great meeting of Dreams, to find the Dream that could prevent the Ammonites, or any like them from ever distrubing the Dreams of the Mi'Kael. There were some that Dreamth of Peace and Understanding, and of Learning and Teaching, but sadly, too many were already Dreaming the dark Dreams of Death and Vengeance, and the Mutterings of Hate and Fear. The few that opposed the dark Dreams, were the first of the Mi'Kael to experience forced termination at the dreams of thier own.

"But the Mi'Kael knew that without these strange "bodies" of the Ammonites and the Sagisati, there was little they could do to achieve thier dark Dreams. And then the Mi'Kael dreamth of the wonderful irony, of forcing the Ammonites and the Sagisati to do to themselves what they would have done to the Mi'Kael. And thus, they forced the remaining Ammonites and Sagisati to the will of thier dreams, to bring the Mi'Kael to the Ammonite Homewords, where the Mi'Kael invaded as many of the thinking colonies as they could, learn what they could of the Ammonite's technology, and when the time was right, ended the lives of many Ammonites, leaving only enough, that they could built the ships and fight the wars that the Mi'Kaels Dreamth of, the dark Dream of the destruction and enslavement of those that would bring Death and Destruction to the seas of Mik'rath...

"And so the Mi'Kael went forth, and conquered many races, until they met the ones who Dreamth the same Dream, the Vaaish...

"Ah, but children, that is a tale for another night, for it grows late, and we have much to do tomorrow. What happened to Mik'rath, the third moon of Kres'nath? It is now a sad and lifeless place, where the dreams of the dead mourn the path of the living. Now, off to bed with you lot."

Basically, the Overmind, AKA Mi'Kael, can only exert control over beings that have a small colony of them in the brain. These colonies depend on the host for nutrients and when the host dies, the colony dies as well, due to the mental backlash. The Overminds that are the brains in a jar are HUGH colonies, and these are the ones that do the planning. Since the Mi'Kael are strongly psionicly linked to each other, if a large enough number of them die, it creates a psyhic backlash that causes nearby smaller colonies to die unless there's another colony of sufficient number to numb the effects of the backlash.

Edited by tzuchan, 26 December 2004 - 10:07 PM.

[mikker]

i liked the last piece. Nice fluff there

Is this a secret CTD when you've gotten everything else?

[Hailfire22]

Here's another question:

Basically, the Overmind, AKA Mi'Kael, can only exert control over beings that have a small colony of them in the brain

Then how did they start to control the Cloaks/whatever? They would have to find a way to get inside the body but the story suggests that they destroyed the overmind(s) where ever they were.

[Hailfire22]

Yes, I think the story gets a little confusing, with all the dreams, and dreams of dreams 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yep. Give me the old fasion way, a normal species who has a attitude problem and wants to take over the universe. The reason? Just because it's there

[Qonfused]

have you been reading Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

[Hailfire22]

have you been reading Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
   

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Naw, just a lot of other computer game backstories

[Qonfused]

Its a book. Seek your lokal liberary or book store NOW.
its a must-read book.

[Hailfire22]

Hmmm, I don't know the spanish title, I suspect I'll never see it here, anyway

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Too bad I'll try to check my local library as soon as I can.

[Qonfused]

dude, if your going to read it, read it in english.

[Cpl. Facehugger]

That was amazing. A neat origin for our evil martian brains. The only problem is that all the dreams do tend to get a *bit* confusing, although if you take some time to think about it, it all makes sense

[Qonfused]

Books in english don't come much to these places 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Then get it as a e-book, in english.

[Hailfire22]

That was amazing. A neat origin for our evil martian brains. The only problem is that all the dreams do tend to get a *bit* confusing, although if you take some time to think about it, it all makes sense

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's the problem with it, most players aren't going to ponder over how the overminds started. They will prefer/respond better to a simpler concept.

[Hailfire22]

Well, players ain't going to read this anyway... this is our little secret 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So we aren't going to use this?

[Blehm 98]

Hmmm, what is this hitch hikers guide to teh galaxy about?

[Hailfire22]

*coughs*    and  take that hitchhiker thing to the Canned Ham, or blehm's emoticon topic, please
I don't know about that yet, Hailfire, I still have some doubts about this one, but it sounds pretty good so far.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, please

Ok then. I'll be watching this thread closely

Edited by Hailfire22, 28 December 2004 - 08:32 PM.

[dipstick]

Aren't there at least 3 working versions of the 'backround' story floating around? I even tried my hand at it - using current models of history and UFO anthologies to back it up. I thought Breunor's was the currently accepted model though...

[dipstick]

I have a better idea - why don't we keep them all?!

Could use them as Easter Eggs.

[Blehm 98]

yes, make it so you do something and you unlock special X-net entries, like this one

[tzuchan]

*Grumbles* This is what I get for being TOO creative... people can't understand my work...

Okay, clearing up what I think is a major source of confusion:

"Feeling the pain of thier brethren, seeing thier Dreams die, the Mi'Kael screamed thier Dreams at the strange beings that invaded thier world, the strange colonies that moved together, so mindless, so destructive, and as more and more Mi'Kael fell to the strangers, the darker the Dreams became, and the Mutterings began. Strange new thoughts came to the Mi'Kael, of forced termination, of removal of all that was not Mi'Kael, and eventually, the Dreams became so dark, the Mutterings so prevalent, that the Mi'Kael struck out at the strange colonies, entering them for force the termination of the mindless ones.

First things first, remeber that this whole part is basically from the Mi'Kael's point of view. The Mi'Kael are basically single cell organism, an overgrown braincell capable off surviving on it's own. Individually, they are maybe 200% larger than the average earth single cell organisms, not much imagination, and have slight telepathic abilites. However, when they clump together(which is thier prefered existance), they link up with each other and become smarter and more powerfull telepathically. Note that they can only contact each other with thier limited telepathy. In otherwords, in large colonies, they are basically one mobile, thinking organ. Then you have the average creatures with organs like the cloaks. They have several separate organs working together, but only one organ doing the thinking. So when the Mi'Kael started fighting back, they first hit the basic internal and external organs, causing massive organ failures. Then they hit the brains, the "thinking colony" as the Mi'Kael put it.

Another question:

Then how did they start to control the Cloaks/whatever? They would have to find a way to get inside the body but the story suggests that they destroyed the overmind(s) where ever they were.

Ya'see, the Cloaks didn't even know about the Mi'Kael. I mean, come on, assuing you went to some watery planet and found HUGE clumps of slimy stuff stuck on the seafloor, would you assume that they were *inteligent* lifeforms? I mean, if I pointed at a sponge and told you that it was intelligent, you'd prolly send me to the funny house. Basically, what the Cloaks were doing were clearing out a patch of ground to built their base. Which meant that they cleared out the big clumps, but ignored the small floating clumps. It was basically those tiny clumps that counter attacked.

BTW, like I mentioned earlier, this is only part one of a series. I'm actually basing much of what I've thought up on the original backstory thread that me and Azaerl were reading sometime ago. Here is basically the origin of forces of the Overmind. However, I think I'm not going to go about how they got each individual race. Next on the list is basically a description of the Vaaish, a short story of the war between the two, and how the Overmind forces came to the solar system. I'm knida lumping the first and second Xenocide Wars Alien's under Overmind. You guys will see why in a couple of days.

[tzuchan]

Hmm....
This is so sad...
First day of the New Year and I'm sitting in front of the computer typing away at CTs...
Next Two Parts:
 Vaaish.rtf   4.34K   13 downloads
 ThanatosCthulu.rtf   4.57K   17 downloads

Vaaish and the Overmind
"Gather around, children. Let me tell you another story of the Xenocide wars, of the dreaded Vaaish, of their conflict with the Overminds.

"The Vaaish are a strange race. No one knows for sure where the Vaaish came from, only that they came from deep within the center off the galaxy, on a mission to wipe out any lifeforms that they encounter. Many a planet have seen the fleet of vicious living hive-ships sweep out of wormholes and launch thier missles, and then leave with the planet burning behind them. Often, this planets did not have lifeforms capable of defending themselves against such an attack, Even planets where races have achieved space travel found themselves incapable of stopping the jaugernaut of death that steamrolled over them. Few and far inbetween were the races that were even capable of slowing down the Vaaish. No one knows for sure why the Vaaish rampage across the galaxy in this Great Cleansing of thiers, but some have suggested that it is because they wish to prevent their species from being wiped out by others, simply by wiping out everyone else first.

"Not much is know about the Vaaish. What that is known is that the Vaaish are an insectlike race and that much of their race is nothing more than unthinking drones of various types, ranging from the smallest healer drones, to the heavily armed warrior drones, to the massive hive-ships. Each hive-ship has it's own queen, which commands the Hivelords, massive warrior drones, specially bred and trained leaders of the hive-ship's armies, intelligent tacticians capable of commanding armies on the field with absolute confidence that thier orders will be carried out at all costs. The Vaaish rampaged through the galaxy, seemingly unstoppable, until they encountered the Overminds and their vast army.

"The Overminds, in their bid to rid the galazy of any dangers to themselves, had by now conquered many races, and had built a massive army unlike anyother before it. They too have lead a rampage across the galaxy, unimpeded by any that stood before them, growing in strength with every new conquest. It was inevitable that these two races, one spreading itself rapidly across the galaxy, the other obsessed with anhililating any sort of life, would meet in battle, and when they did, both races, for the first time in known history, met their match. The Overminds were fustrated by the Vaaish's strange resistance to the plasma based weaponry that they used, but what they truly feared was the Vaaish queens' abilty to project psyhic screams that could kill the Overminds at close, and as a result, kill those under the control of the Overminds. The Vaaish were also fustrated by the fact that for the first time since they left thier homeworld, they have encountered a race that not only match the Vaaish numerically, but also outpaced the Vaaish in terms of technological advances. Then there was also the fact that the melange of races in the Overminds' armies made it difficult for the rigid mindset of the Vaaish to adapt to.

"Neither of the two races could gain dominance over the other, and for many many centuries, the two forces were deadlocked. The Overmind would loose several systems, but then bring down several hive-ships in return, A Vaaish battlefleet would gain control over a planet, only to be cut of from support by the Overmind fleets. Indeed, even as I speak, these two implacable foes continue to battle each other, lock in a neverending battle that was old before my grandfather's grandfather was born, and hopefully one that will only end long after the stars die.

"Why my child? For if either of them were to win this fight, the victor would then undoubtedly be even more determined to finish thier self-imposed holy war, something that every other race in this huge wide galaxy would no doubt regret, as we would then either be under the mental leash of the Overminds, or simply be killed at the hands of the Vaaish.

"Well, then, off to bed with you lots. Another story? No, no, it's too late. But I promise you, I will tell you all the story of Thanatos and Cthulu, and how they both came to be stranded at the birthplace of the Humans, the Overminds' Bane."

Thanatos and Cthulu

"Now, now... Where did I stop last time? Ah yes, Thanatos and Cthulu. Now then, let me tell you the tale of how Thanatos and Cthulu, twin motherships of the Overminds, came to be stranded in the home of the Humans, the Overminds' Bane.

"By this time, the Overminds have been warring with the Vaaish for centuries, and they had grown weary of a fight with no end in sight. Indeed, it grew worrisome, for the longer they were stalled by the Vaaish, the more likely it that the Vaaish were capable of wiping them out. Even worse was that if the Overminds were stalled too long, other races like the Vaaish might spring up. And thus, it was deemed that the Overminds needed to find a way to break the stalemate in thier favor.

"Suiting thought to action, the two most imaginative colonies were tasked with the mission of setting up a research base in a remote, out of the way solar system along one of the arms of the galaxy. And thus, the two colonies, aboard thier great motherships and respective fleets, the Thanatos and the Cthulu, set off for what that would become the cradle of Humanity.

"Upon arriving insystem, Thanatos set off for the fourth planet of the system with the objective of setting up a repair and refit base whilst Cthulu, the more inventive of the two, entered the seas of the third planet to enslave the intelligent races that had evolved beneath the surface of the waters. Once that was accomplished, Cthulu then began bizarre experiments on the new captives, working on new ways of controlling the conquered races. Indeed, many of the experiments changed creatures under Cthulu's command into things out of your worst nightmares. Eventually, Cthulu was able to invent a artificial colony, an implant capable of recieving commands from an Overmind and controlling the host. Cthulu immediately begin the implantation of all the races under it's control, as well begining research into new types of weaponry capable of effectively penetrating the Vaaish's defences. Indeed, Cthulu had just finish developement of a new untested weapons system when a Vaaish hive-ship exited a wormhole near the fourth planet.

"To this day, no-one knows for sure why the Vaaish turned up when they did, whether was it just a fluke or had the Vaaish learned of what was happening within that solar system. But in anycase, the Vaaish immediately launched an attack on Thanatos, crippling the mothership beyond repair and destroying the base on the planet. The Vaaish hive-ship then made a beeline for the third planet, intent on exterminating life there. But even as the hive-ship entered orbit, Cthulu began it's counterattack. It was then obvious that Cthulu's efforts had paid off as the new weapons carved great strips from the hive-ship's hull. The queen aboard the hive-ship launched a psyhic attack in desperation, hoping to atleast kill off the crews of the attacking ships, as Cthulu was still hiding beneath the surface of the oceans. Indeed, the queen's gambit worked, but not in the way that it had intended. For whilst the psyhic attack had no effect on the crews, Cthulu was close enough that it was stunned into a coma by the attack, and the great mothership sank into the depths of the oceans, beyond the reach of any of the smaller crafts. Nevertheless, the crews of Cthulu's battlefleet had enough time before the implant's failsafe kicked in and killed them all todamaged the hive-ship that enough that it crashed into the planet's sea causing the extinction of almost all liveforms on that planet.

"Thanatos, stranded on the fourth planet with no way of repairing the mothership's drives, observed this all, ordered all of it's remaining troops to enter suspended animation, awaiting either the the arrival of reinforcements, or for Cthulu to reawakened and to resurface from the depths.

"Off course, imagine Thanatos' surprise when it woke up to discovered that several million years had passed with no sign of reinforcements, nor had Cthulu reawakened. Imagine it's surprise that new intelligent lifeforms had evolved on the third planet, and it was those that had disturbed it's long hibernation. It was then, of course, that Thanatos was forced to make new plans, plans to conquer the new race, and to make them re-awaken Cthulu. Little did Thanatos know what was in store for it.

"But that is a story for the Humans to tell. Anyway, it's getting late. Go on, off to bed you go."

[Cpl. Facehugger]

That latest backstory is great! Tzuchan, you are a great writer!

Just one thing to clear up: Are the weapons that Cthulu designed sonic? I ask mainly because the TFTD aliens used sonic weapons, and because sonic weapons don't really work in space to the best of my understanding.

[tzuchan]

I'm not that good... I was just filling in the holes on groundwork that others did before me. Can't say I came up with the ideas.

As to what kind of weapons Cthulu designed, I purposely left that unanswered so that we peeps in the CTD can have some room to work with. You are right in the sense that sonic weapons wouldn't make good weapons in space.

[mikker]

exelent. Best pre-strory so far.

Although you didn't explain that the ammonites came from Earth.

[tzuchan]

The brain on Mars is one of the many large colonies that do the thinking for the smaller colonies, and yeah, each alien has a colony in their brain... although perhaps they could now all be cloned with the small overmind colonies replacing thier brains....(Would be kind of obvious during autopsys though...)

Also, is it absolutely necessary for the ammonites to have originated from earth? I just basically left out any references of the origins of most alien races though...

Edited by tzuchan, 13 January 2005 - 04:57 PM.

[tzuchan]

Hmm...
Another idea is that since I already said that the colonies die when the hosts dies, why not have the overmind colonies decay very quickly when the host dies, and thus there is nothing for the scientists to find, and hence no mention of it in the CTs...

[Astyanax]

... (stunned disbelief)

This... this... is FANTASTIC, tzuchan! Please tell me you're going to write more!

Your writing is very well done. Really! All of them were very engaging, but I especially liked your first excerpt.

I don't know about anyone else, but I kept on imagining how cool it would be if the game put man in the middle of the war between these two great powers...

Keep up the great work!

-Asty

[tzuchan]

I'm not that good... But I do have some ideas for background stories from the Vaaish and Overmind conflict...

Also, if you have the time, please run through 'em with your grammer and spellchecker... I used to use the Facehugger Grammer and Spellchecker™ but he seems to be gone now...
(P/s: Did anyone noticed that I made the leader of the AWD an evil alien race bent on xenocide?)

[Astyanax]

Well, I really liked your style of writing, tzuchan.

I'd be happy to check your grammar and spelling, but you should know that I sometimes go a bit overboard... so long as you're ok with that.

[mikker]

hey tzucan - a while ago i posted an idea i had with the vipers. Maybe you could use that?

[tzuchan]

um...
vipers vipers vipers...
Care to point me in the direction of the thread? is it the main Viper thread?

*edit*
Nevermind, found it...
I'll willing to give it a try assuming no-one else wants to pick it up, but I need some time for my muse to boil it over.(Not to mention for me to read up on vipers and the spawn to ensure minimal conflicts...)

Edited by tzuchan, 08 February 2005 - 01:49 PM.

[Astyanax]

As per your request, tzuchan, the first volume...

Red text indicates additions, orange text indicates deletions, and blue text indicates comments.

"Come, children, come. Let me tell you a story long forgotten by many, a tale of terrible wars and brave deeds Did you mention any brave deeds in this story?, of evil warlords and selfless heroes. Come, let me tell you the story of the Xenocide Wars...

"Long ago, on Mik'rath, the third watery moon Mik'rath of the planet Kres'nath, orbiting the binary star Te'lan, came the peaceful race of Mi'Kael. They were unlike any other beings, seeing that they were tiny, tiny lifeforms, smaller than the head of a pin, that came together in great colonies under the surface of the oceans of Mik'rath. They did so because each of them by themselves had very little imagination, but together, they could dream Dreams of wonder, unlike any you and I have ever dreamth of, and sometimes these wondrous Dreams could be felt even by other races far, far away... But sadly, the peaceful dreamers were awakened horribly when one day, a star fell from the skies into the seas of Mik'rath.

"For this star was no star, but a ship from far, far away, carrying the Ammonites and thier their genetic slaves, the Sagisati. The Ammonites were explorers from another world, seeking planets where they could build colonies, for thier their homeworld was old and over-populated. They did not realize that the Mi'Kael were a thinking people Maybe use another word instead of people?  Unicellular organisms aren’t generally referred to as “people.”, for they had never seen anything like it before, and thus, they starting killing off the Mi'Kael, to make a place for themselves on the beautiful water moon of Mik'rath.

"Feeling the pain of thier their brethren, seeing thier their Dreams die, the Mi'Kael screamed thier their Dreams at the strange beings that invaded thier their world, the strange colonies that moved together, so mindless, so destructive,... and as more and more Mi'Kael fell to the strangers, the darker the Dreams became, and the Mutterings began. Strange new thoughts came to the Mi'Kael, of forced forcible termination, of removal of all that was not Mi'Kael, and eventually, the Dreams became so dark, the Mutterings so prevalent, that the Mi'Kael struck lashed? out at the strange colonies, entering them for to force the termination of the mindless ones.

"To the surprise of the Mi'Kael, these mindless colonies obey the Dreams of certain colonies The previous phrase is confusing because “colonies” are referring to two different things, and as they struck down several of the mindless ones, groups of Mi'Kael entered several of these master colonies and found, to thier their delight, that here, they could scream loud enough that these thinking colonies could think of nothing but the dark Dreams of the Mi'Kael. It was then that the Mi'Kael learned the truth of the strange mindless ones, this the Ammonites and their strange "bodies" and thier their worlds far, far away...?.

"At once, the Mi'Kael gathered for a great meeting of Dreams, to find the Dream that could prevent the Ammonites, or any like them from ever distrubing disturbing the Dreams of the Mi'Kael. There were some that Dreamth of Peace and Understanding, and of Learning and Teaching, but sadly, too many were already Dreaming the dark Dreams of Death and Vengeance, and the Mutterings of Hate and Fear. The few that opposed the dark Dreams, were the first of the Mi'Kael to experience forced forcible termination at by the dreams of thier their own.

"But the Mi'Kael knew that without these strange "bodies" of the Ammonites and the Sagisati, there was little they could do they could do little to achieve thier their dark Dreams. And then the Mi'Kael dreamth of the wonderful irony, of forcing the Ammonites and the Sagisati to do to themselves what they would have done had been doing? to the Mi'Kael. And thus, they forced the remaining Ammonites and Sagisati to the will ”embrace” instead of “the will”? of thier their dark? dreams, to bring the Mi'Kael to the Ammonite Homewords, where the Mi'Kael invaded as many of the thinking colonies as they could, learned what they could of the Ammonite's technology, and when the time was right, ended terminated? the lives of many Ammonites, leaving only enough, that they could built to build the ships and fight the wars that the Mi'Kaels Dreamth of, the dark Dreams of the dDestruction and eEnslavement of those that would bring Death and Destruction to the seas of Mik'rath...

"And so the Mi'Kael went forth, and conquered many races, until they met the ones who Dreamth the same Dream, the Vaaish...

"Ah, but children, that is a tale for another night, for it grows late, and we have much to do tomorrow. What happened to Mik'rath, the third moon of Kres'nath? It is now a sad and lifeless place, where the dreams of the dead mourn the path of the living. Now, off to bed with you lot."

Basically, the Overmind, AKA Mi'Kael, can only exert control over beings that have a small colony of them in the brain. These colonies depend on the host for nutrients and when the host dies, the colony dies as well, due to the mental backlash. The Overminds that are the brains in a jar are HUGH HUGE colonies, and these are the ones that do the planning. Since the Mi'Kael are strongly psionically linked to each other, if a large enough number of them die, it creates a psychic backlash that causes nearby smaller colonies to die unless there's another colony of sufficient number to numb the effects of the backlash.

[mikker]

why did you proofread the last paragraph? That was only some text he added on to explain the thing

[Astyanax]

Better to fix errors than let them go... Besides, it took me less time to proofread it than it's taking me to write this post.

[Astyanax]

Part two, coming right up. Couldn't help thinking of some alternative wordings, so I put them in blue.

Red text indicates additions, orange text indicates deletions, and blue text indicates comments.

Vaaish and the Overmind
"Gather around, children. Let me tell you another story of the Xenocide wars, of the dreaded Vaaish, of their conflict with the Overminds.

"The Vaaish are a strange race. No one knows for sure where the Vaaish came from, only that they came from deep within the center off the galaxy, on a mission to wipe out “exterminate”, “eradicate”? any lifeforms that they encounter. Many a planet have seen the fleet of vicious, living hive-ships sweep out of wormholes and launch their their missiles, and then leave with the planet burning behind them “...and then depart, leaving the planet burning in their wake”?. Often, this these planets did not have lifeforms capable of defending themselves against such an attack “onslaught”?., Even planets where races have whose inhabitants had achieved space travel found themselves incapable of stopping did naught to slow the jaugernaut juggernaut of death that steamrolled over them. Fixed some confusion in the previous sentence: planets had not found themselves incapable of stopping the juggernaut, but rather, the space traveling races/inhabitants had.  Few and far in Added a space here between were the races that were even capable “possessed the means”? of slowing down the Vaaish. No one knows for sure why the Vaaish rampage “crusade”, “march”? across the galaxy in this Great Cleansing of thiers theirs, but some have suggested that it is because they wish to prevent their species from being wiped out by others, simply by wiping out everyone else first. Out of curiosity, who have the Vaaish left behind to make these suggestions?

"Not much is know about “Little is known of”? the Vaaish. What that is known is that the Vaaish are an insect-like “insectoid”? race and that much of their race is nothing more than “...insectoid race largely comprised of”? unthinking drones of various types, ranging from the smallest healer drones, to the heavily armed warrior drones, to the massive hive-ships. Each hive-ship has it's own queen, which who commands the Hivelords, massive warrior drones, specially bred and trained leaders of the hive-ship's armies, intelligent tacticians capable of commanding armies on the field with absolute confidence that thier their orders will be carried out at all costs. The previous sentence’s description of the Hivelords goes on too long; suggest splitting it up into 2+ sentences. The Vaaish rampaged through the galaxy, seemingly “nigh”? unstoppable, until they encountered the Overminds and their vast army.

"The Overminds, in their bid to rid the galazy galaxy of any dangers to themselves, had by now then conquered many races, and had built “amassed”? a massive army unlike anyother before it. They too have lead led a rampage across the galaxy, unimpeded by any that stood before them, growing in strength with every new conquest. It was inevitable that these two races, one spreading itself rapidly across the galaxy, the other obsessed with anhililating annihilating any sort “semblance”? of life, would meet “clash”? in battle, and when they did, both races, for the first time in known history “...first time in their respective histories”?, met their match “equal”?. The Overminds were frustrated “stymied”? by the Vaaish's strange resistance to the plasma-based weaponry that they used “employed”?, but what they truly feared was the Vaaish queens' ability to project “unleash”? psychic screams that could kill “outright slay”? the Overminds at close range, and as a result in doing so, kill those under its control the control of the Overminds. The Vaaish were also likewise frustrated by the fact that for the first time since they left thier their homeworld “main colony”? , they have had encountered a race that not only matched the Vaaish numerically, but also outpaced the Vaaish in terms of technological advances Use either: “...the Vaiish technologically” or “...the Vaaish in terms of technological advancement”. Then there was also the fact that the melange of races in the Overminds' armies made it difficult for the rigid mindset of the Vaaish to adapt to. I can’t put my finger on why this last sentence is troubling me... something about the speaker...

"Neither of the two races could gain dominance over the other, and for many, many centuries, the two forces were deadlocked. The Overminds would loose lose several systems, but then bring down “sterilize”? several hive-ships in return;, A a Vaaish battlefleet would gain control over a planet, only to be cut of from support “...only to be isolated and systematically destroyed”? by the Overminds' fleets. Indeed, even as I speak, these two implacable foes continue to battle each other “...continue to do battle with the other”?, locked in a neverending battle that was old since before my grandfather's grandfather was born, and hopefully one that will only end long after the stars die "...and hopefully one that will continue until the stars die"?.

"Why, my child? For if either of them were to win this fight “...either of them were to prevail over the other”?, the victor would then undoubtedly be even more determined to finish “..the victor would then be free to renew" thier their self-imposed self-proclaimed holy war “jihad”, “crusade”?, something a harbinger of the bleak futures for that every other sentient race in this huge wide galaxy: would no doubt regret, as we would then either be as be mere puppets under the mental leash “yoke”? of the Overminds, or simply be killed as corpses “slaughtered”, “butchered”? at the hands of the Vaaish.

"Well, then, off to bed with you lots Either: “...to bed with you tots” or “...to bed with the lot of you”. Another story? No, no, it's far? too late. But I promise you, I will tell you all the story of Thanatos and of? (to keep with her style) Cthulu, and of? how they both came to be stranded at the birthplace of the Humans, the Overminds' Bane." “...of how they both came to be stranded on a planet called ‘Earth’, the birthplace of the Humans, and the Bane of the Overminds...”

Edited by Astyanax, 14 February 2005 - 12:52 PM.

[Astyanax]

The third and final part (so far). Again, I couldn't help thinking of suggestions while I went through the text, so I've marked them in blue.

Red text indicates additions, orange text indicates deletions, and blue text indicates comments and suggestions.

Thanatos and Cthulu

"Now, now... Where did I stop last time? Ah yes, Thanatos and Cthulu. Now then, let me tell you the tale of how Thanatos and Cthulu, the twin motherships of the Overminds, came to be stranded in on the home of the Humans, the Overminds' Bane.

"By this time, the Overminds have had been warring with the Vaaish for centuries, and they had grown weary of a fight with no end in sight “…grown weary of the endless struggle”?. Indeed, it grew worrisome, for the longer they were stalled by the Vaaish, the more likely it that the Vaaish were capable of wiping them out Specify why is this the case?  Their “psychic screams”?  Suggest: “…the greater the risk of their extinction by the Vaaish’s psychic prowess” . Even worse was that if the Overminds were stalled too long, other races like the Vaaish might spring up Personally, I think this reason is fairly weak.  Maybe: “The Overminds grew insecure because, for the first time since their ascent into the stars, they had stopped increasing their ranks of enslaved minions; they were afraid of stagnation”?. And thus, it was deemed that the Overminds needed to find a way to break deemed it necessary to change the stalemate in thier their favor.

"Suiting thought to action, the two most imaginative colonies were tasked with the mission of setting up a research base in a remote, out of the way “far-flung”, “outlying”? solar star system along one of the arms “outer reaches”? of the galaxy. And thus, the two colonies, aboard thier their great motherships and respective fleets, the Thanatos and the Cthulu Recommend placing Thanatos and Cthulu closer to “motherships”, to prevent readers from thinking that their respective fleets are called Thanatos and Cthulu.  Actually, are the colonies called Thanatos and Cthulu, or are their motherships called that?  Make sure to be consistent throughout the text, set off for what that would become the cradle of Humanity.

"Upon arriving in Added a space here system, Thanatos set off for the fourth planet of the system with the objective of setting up a repair and refit base Suggest: “…planet of the system to establish a base of operations”, also, why was the fourth planet chosen? whilst Cthulu, the more inventive of the two, entered the seas of the third planet to enslave the “…primal, yet…”? intelligent races that had evolved beneath the surface of the waters “…beneath the waves”?. Once that was accomplished “Its task accomplished…”?, Cthulu then began working? bizarre experiments on the new captives “…on the captured specimens”?, working on “discovering”? new ways “methods”? of controlling the conquered races. Indeed, many of the experiments changed creatures under Cthulu's command into things out of your worst nightmares Suggest: “Many of the gruesome experiments resulted in nightmarish creatures beyond imagination”, also recommend deleting some “indeed”s because they are used fairly frequently. Eventually, Cthulu was able to invent a artificial colony, an implant capable of receiving receiving commands from an Overmind and controlling the host. Cthulu immediately begin the implantation of all the races under it's control This is confusing: I thought the Overminds controlled their minions through satellite colonies within their brains ala the Mi’kael?  Or is this a method of allowing somewhat independent thought within the constraints of the Overminds’ mandates?, as well beginning research into new types of weaponry capable of effectively penetrating the Vaaish's defences defenses?. Indeed, Cthulu had just “barely”? finished developement of an new untested weapons system when a Vaaish hive-ship suddenly? exited a wormhole near “in the vicinity of”? the fourth planet.

"To this day, no-one knows for sure why the Vaaish turned up when they did, whether was it just a fluke “…whether it was merely a coincidence” or had whether the Vaaish learned of what was happening within that solar system. But in any Added a space here case, the Vaaish immediately launched an attack “…launched a savage attack…”? on the unprepared? Thanatos, severely crippling the mothership beyond repair and “utterly”? destroying the planetary base on the planet. The Vaaish hive-ship then made a beeline for the third planet, intent on exterminating life there. But even as the hive-ship entered orbit, Cthulu began it's counterattack. It was then became obvious that Cthulu's efforts had paid off “…had not been in vain”? as the new weapons carved great strips from the hive-ship's hull. The queen aboard the hive-ship launched Suggest “mounted” because launched was used not long ago a desperate psychic attack in desperation, hoping to at Added a space here least kill off “slay”? the crews of the attacking ships, as Cthulu was still hiding beneath the surface of the oceans. Indeed, the queen's gambit worked, but not in the way that it had intended “…but not as intended". For whilst the psychic attack had no effect on the crews, Cthulu was close enough that it was stunned into a coma “…Cthulu was gravely wounded and was rendered comatose… by the attack “fierce onslaught”?, and the great mothership sank into the depths of the oceans, well? beyond the reach of any of the smaller crafts. Nevertheless, the crews of Cthulu's battlefleet had enough time before the implant's failsafe kicked in and killed them all to Added a space here damaged the hive-ship that enough that it crashed into the planet's sea causing the extinction of almost all liveforms lifeforms on that planet. This last sentence is confusing.  Is the implant a satellite colony?  Does the implant kill the host if the controller ceases its input?  These should be addressed in the previous paragraph.  Suggest: “Nevertheless, the remaining ships of Cthulu’s battlefleet succeeded in disabling the Vaaish hive-ship before falling victim to the backlash from Cthulu’s psychic wound.  As the mortally-damaged hive-ship plummeted to its demise over the seas of the third planet, the Vaaish queen was determined to complete its mission: the Vaaish queen boldly sacrificed her ship to eradicate the life on the planet.”

"Thanatos, stranded on the fourth planet with no way of repairing the mothership's drives, observed this all “…observed the tragic battle and…”, ordered all of it's remaining troops to enter suspended animation, awaiting either the to await the arrival of reinforcements, or for Cthulu to reawakened and to resurface from the depths.

"Off course, imagine Thanatos' surprise “shock”? when it woke up to discovered that several million years had passed with no sign of reinforcements, nor had Cthulu reawakened Cthulu’s reawakening. Imagine it's surprise that new, intelligent lifeforms had evolved on the third planet, and it was those that whose early radio emissions Changed to be consistent with Azrael’s “Alien Goal” CT had disturbed it's long hibernation. It was then, of course, that Thanatos was forced to make created new plans, plans to conquer the new race, and to make them re-awaken Cthulu. Little did Thanatos know what was in store for it. Suggest: “However, Thanatos knew little of what the future had in store…”

"But that is a story for the Humans to tell. Anyway, it's getting late. Go on, off to bed you go."

Edited by Astyanax, 14 February 2005 - 02:44 PM.

[Xer0]

Excellent story, tzuchan. I really like where this is going.

However, you're going to have to use a different name than Cthulu. We don't want to plagarize the works of H.P. Lovecraft, now do we?

[tzuchan]

Again! The one from the powersuit wasn't enough and Azzy has to torment me again here?!?!

But seriously,

From the US Government copyright web site FAQ page:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How long does a copyright last?

The term of copyright for a particular work depends on several factors, including whether it has been published, and, if so, the date of first publication. As a general rule, for works created after Jan. 1, 1978, copyright protection lasts for the life of the author plus an additional 70 years.

And having looked it up,

H. P. Lovecraft
(1890-1937)

2005 - 1937 = 68, so if we wait another two years before releasing Xenocide, it'd be perfectly legal

But seriously, I like the idea of putting Cthulu in there because like in the orginal XCom2, the comatose Cthulu would be broadcsting dreams that those sufficiently sensitive would have been having nightmares...